Monday, January 3, 2011

Show Me Yours Blogfest Entry

For my Eye Candy entry, click here.

For my 100 Words entry, click here.

DISCLAIMER:  I haven’t touched this since NaNo.  I’ve made no attempt to edit, revise, polish, whatever.  What you’re getting is pure first draft.  So, considered yourself warned.

This for the Show Me Yours Blogfest, host by Hannah @ Musings of a Palindrome.  I signed up for it before I remembered my NaNo novel kind of blows.  Well, it’s not that bad, but it needs a lot of work, as most first drafts do.  So I’ll show your mine, just promise not to giggle.

The setup: This is from Kids Eat Free, a YA horror novel.  Sixteen-year-old Wendy died when the bus she was on crash into a lake.  She died saving others.  Wendy’s boyfriend Doug couldn’t handle the grief, and made a pack with a mysterious figure who promised to give him Wendy back.  Unfortunately, he didn’t say anything about “alive”.  Wendy comes back, but as a revenant, basically a zombie with a brains and a personality.

Despite the creep factor, things go well at first with both Doug and her family a accepting of her new status.  But when Wendy starts give in to new urges, everything falls apart.

The setup for this scene is that Wendy has killed a fifteen-year-old girl, Cami, and Doug has finally realized how dangerous she is and tried to kill her…or whatever.  Feeling hurt and betrayed, she pays a visit to Doug’s house.

Remember: Rough Draft.  Very, very rough.

She can’t feel the pain, but Wendy knows something’s wrong.  She must have broken something. He must have broke something.  Doug.  The boy of her dreams.  The love of her life. Well, her life’s over, isn’t it?  And her dreams are as dead she is.  She had to stand there and listen to him as he tore her apart with his words, murdering her with hate.  He called her a monster, and his “mess”. He dragged her across the ground to the bridge as she begged him to stop, begged him to just talk to her, but he wouldn’t. He didn’t give her a chance. She was good enough for a cheap fuck in the stockroom, but when things got tough and she needed him the most, he turned on her. 

It’s good that she can’t cry anymore, because the tears would never stop. She doesn’t need tears. There are other, better ways to express grief, and she can’t wait to try them out. They want a monster, guess what? 

The door opens and derails her train of thought.  This is her first visit to the Stanton home; she’d never yet been invited, big surprise.  Behind the door stands a blond girl about seven years old with wide blue eyes: Doug’s sister.  She wears a pink cotton nightgown and clutches a white stuffed bunny to her chest.

“Well, you’re up late, Cutie Pie,”  Wendy says, though she knows the girl will hear nothing but a sick moan.  “Aren’t you afraid the monsters’ll get you?”  The girl slices the air with a scream that hangs in Wendy’s ears as the girl gets a good look at her.  She doesn’t blame the little thing.  She’s young; she doesn’t know what else to do. She doesn’t know that it won’t do her any good.

Remember, it’s a very rough draft.  Just saying.


  1. Okay, first--love the Henry VIII mug in your header. I have a thing for unique mugs.

    Your novel's premise is interesting as hell, that's for sure. And I actually liked the excerpt, rough or not. There's definitely a horrific feel to it. I especially liked the ending, imagining the little girl seeing her and hearing her words as a moan. Very eerie.

    Thanks so much for participating!

  2. I'm with Summer, I liked the excerpt, rough or not. I like the perspective as well. I thought I would be reading from Doug's perspective. Thank you so much for sharing and joining us for this blogfest!!

  3. I'm not the YA horror type, but I really liked the voice here. Very YA to me! I liked how it's horror from Wendy's POV instead of the other way around. Nice twist. Thanks for sharing!

  4. sheesh. I wish MY rough drafts were this good. Really nicely done. I do like that it's from the "monster's" POV. I got a great feel for both Wendy and Doug from this! Kudos :)

  5. I like that it's from Wendy's POV, and I like how her thoughts are clear, but all the girl will hear is a sick moan. Nice contrast, a definite conflict to overcome. (Besides all the killing and zombie stuff, of course. Heh.) I'd definitely read on.

  6. Even though it's a first draft, I really enjoyed it. The choice of POV is genius!

  7. Thank you, everyone for the kind words. I hope to return to it soon and see about polishing it up.

    Also, Summer - as for the mug, when you pore hot liquid into it, the wives disappear. How cool is that?

  8. oh yeah, i would read this, straight up, on the premise alone. And i actually don't think the chunk was rough at all. Or maybe i was just too into it to notice any roughness. Either way, good on you!

  9. Rough or not, I loved it! The idea of a zombie novel from the POV of the zombie is awesome! Keep working on it and best of luck!

  10. not to be repetative or unoriginal, but this seriously rocks. Like it is so good, rough or not. Love the voice, premise, and tension.

    Nice. Nice. Nice.


  11. I'm going to chime in and say 'me too' - I loved the perspective from Wendy, the scary moment for the little sister at the end - it's all good. I'd love to read more of this.

    The only thing that I noticed as 'rough' about this was that the present tense was slightly jarring - I don't tend to like that in stories unless there's an obvious reason for it, but here it actually works reasonably well. You're consistent about it as far as I could tell.

    Thanks for taking part in the Blogfest, and sorry that it took me so long to get to your post.